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“It’s just who I am.”
I don’t hate a lot of things. However, I really hate it when people say that they can’t change because it’s “who they are”. Now, people do in fact have the capacity to evolve. So if someone is willing to work on themselves, like the way they communicate, the potential issues could be considered yellow or orange flags. But if the person you may be thinking about does not recognize the ways they communicate as potential problems, these are red flags. Don’t ignore them. Below are potential red flags including details about each one in bullet points.
#1: They defend themselves when they apologize.
- They apologize for something they may have said or done
- They say something to “justify” why they have said or done whatever it is they are apologizing for
- So it sounds like, “I’m sorry that I hurt you, but I was trying to …” or “I wanted to apologize for … but I was actually … “
- This is a potential issue because it fails to acknowledge the damage that was done, regardless of the intention, they hurt you – PERIOD.
#2: They don’t tell you why they are upset, but then they say that you don’t care about them.
- It’s the individuals who make a show of being upset and wanting their partner(s) to recognize their mood… almost as if they want to be “chased”
- They may appear grumpy, pouty, fake distancing (ignoring but physically nearby), silent treatment, etc.
- Now it’s fair to say that some people do get upset, and require space or time to process
- However, it’s not fair when you ask that person several times, “What’s wrong?”, they don’t give you some kind of answer and then they get upset at you for not “caring” about them
#3: Their first instinct is to give you “work” about how to do better when you are sharing your feelings.
- They make light of what you may have expressed to them such as feeling overworked
- Instead of validating and acknowledging how you are feeling, they focus on things you could do better to improve the situation
- So it sounds like, “I think you should …” or “The reason you are feeling this way is because you don’t …”
#4: They bring up past arguments into the current argument.
- They bring up past issues, that may have been resolved, to the current argument
- The issues are not relevant to the current argument
- For example, they may be angry about not spending enough quality time together but they complain about how chores are divided
#5: They argue with you in public or in front of people who should not see you arguing.
- These are the people who are not able to control their feelings and do not recognize that there is a time and place for everything
- They do not see the issue of arguing in front of kids, especially their own
#6: They go to the extreme and get mad over small things.
- They blow up over small things and take statements of any kind as a personal attack
- So it sounds like, “Fine, go do whatever you want.” or “See if I care”
#7: They project their insecurity when you are sharing an insecurity.
- This is similar to #4
- The difference is that a person will project their insecurity as the reasoning for your insecurity
- For example, if you say that you feel like you don’t have enough time to yourself, their response is, “Oh, so you want time to cheat on me?”
#8: They say you are “overreacting” or “overthinking”.
- This is similar to #3, but I think it deserved it’s own category
- They are quick to dismiss your thoughts and feelings
- They do not recognize that by saying these things that they are invalidating your experience
#9: They give you a blanket apology.
- They apologize, but they don’t know what they are apologizing for
- The apology is vague and lacks acknowledgement of what they did wrong