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It’s not toxic…
But it does depend on the context. The direct translation of utang na loob is debt of the inside. It is a common saying among Filipinos that conveys the value of giving back to those who gave to you in your time of need. From how I understood it growing up, it was a way to foster a sense of gratitude and the practice of kindness in every day life. However, these feelings of thanks and giving should be something somebody wants to do on their own terms without pressure or expectation from other people. Otherwise, this is when it can become toxic — when somebody tells someone that they “should” feel indebted to them and then in turn “pay it back”.
Some situations in which I have experienced first hand or heard of people experiencing some kind of guilt or debt are when:
- Sending money to family members living in the Philippines if the other family member is living abroad
- Adult children take care of their aging parents or other family members
- Cousins or friends treating their cousins or friends to food and/or drinks
- People in friendships or romantic relationships wanting to spend more time together
These are all wholesome actions at their core. However, the people who expect others to be indebted in situations like the ones mentioned take away the kindness of the actions. These actions in turn become obligations done out of guilt.
If you are a Filipino or know a Filipino who needs validation that they should not feel guilty for not doing something, please read and share the following.
For those who feel like they need to send money to those living in the Philippines
- Your health comes first.
- If their quality of life is better than yours, what is the reason that you are continuing to fund their life?
- If the people back home are indulging in luxuries (ex. going out for food, local trips, celebrations, home renovations, air conditioning), they should be able to redirect that money to necessities.
- It is not your responsibility to take care of people who are choosing to be irresponsible with money.
- You were and may not be alive for their whole life — they need to learn to take care of themselves as you have.
- If they are telling you to do this out of love, is this the kind of love you want? Should the love you want be conditional and transactional? No. You do not deserve that kind of love. You deserve better.
For those taking care of their aging parents or other family members
- Your health comes first. You are not good to them dead.
- If there are other family members or person(s) who are able to support then share the work.
- If your aging parents and/or family members complain about something and they have the capacity to do something about it , but they don’t want to… let them be.
- It is not your responsibility to take care of people who do not want to help themselves.
- If they are telling you to do this out of love, is this the kind of love you want? Should the love you want be conditional and transactional? No. You do not deserve that kind of love. You deserve better.
For those who are treating others to food and/or drinks
- Your health comes first.
- If it is not within your budget or financial capacity, why are you putting your financial health in jeopardy?
- There are other food and drink options that are more affordable.
- There are other ways to show gratitude that don’t break the bank.
- If they are telling you to do this out of love, is this the kind of love you want? Should the love you want be conditional and transactional? No. You do not deserve that kind of love. You deserve better.
For those who are being demanded for more of their time
- Your health comes first.
- Establish boundaries. You have a life outside of this person.
- You are your own person with other people who are also important to you.
- Foster the relationships that you value, but don’t forget yourself in the process.
- If they are telling you to do this out of love, is this the kind of love you want? Should the love you want be conditional and transactional? No. You do not deserve that kind of love. You deserve better.